


A Gramme is Worth More than a Damn

by drforrester



Category: Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
Genre: Gen, be warned this fic includes mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drforrester/pseuds/drforrester
Summary: Bernard has all but ruined his friendship with Helmholtz and John and he finds that he cannot face Iceland alone.(Takes place before Chapter 18 and based on dialogue at the beginning of Chapter 18.)





	A Gramme is Worth More than a Damn

Bernard awoke with a start. 

For a moment he could not process what series of events had brought him to be sleeping in an unfamiliar room alone but suddenly the memories hit him all at once. 

How long had it been? Days, hours, minutes since he had groveled before the Controller, begging him not to be sent away? Since he had told him that this was all the fault John and Helmholtz and that he had nothing to do with it? 

Of course, this was true enough. He had never intended for his rebellion to go so far as to actually have consequences. 

Iceland. Oh Ford. 

He took a moment to let the full extent of his wretched condition sink in. 

This couldn’t be happening to him. He didn’t deserve this. 

But, a new thought occurred to him, what kind of rebel was he to balk at the first sign of consequence? And more importantly, what kind of friend was he to throw John and Helmholtz under the bus to spare himself? 

Was he really that narcissistic and cowardly? 

And what had come of it all? Nothing. He was still being sent away to rot in Iceland. 

At least he would have John and Helmholtz... if they ever spoke to him again. 

“I can’t do this alone,” he thought to himself. “I’ve ruined the only thing that meant anything in my life and now I have nothing.” 

He groaned. His mind felt fuzzy and indistinct as if he was just coming off of a soma high. 

Just then, the thought occurred to him: what if he just ended it all? Was that really such a bad option at this point? 

His other option was well... 

No. There was no other option. 

It was too late to apologize to his friends and certainly too late to apologize to Mustapha Mond. 

It was this or face his worst nightmare alone. 

He looked around the room for some instrument of self destruction but found none readily available. 

If only he could come of this damned soma high he could- 

He stopped mid-thought and his eyes went to the soma dispenser in the corner. 

Was it possible that, enough soma taken at once, it might kill him? 

He had always avoided taking soma when he could and the most he had ever had at once was four grammes. 

How much would this machine give him at once? Surely there would be a limit. 

Well, there was only one way to find out.

He walked across the room slowly, approaching the dispenser. 

He plugged in his Alpha-plus access code and ordered twelve grammes. 

Twelve ought to be enough, he thought. 

To his relief, the machine dispensed all twelve grammes without further question. 

He gathered the grammes together in a cluster on his bedside table. 

Was he really doing this? Surely there was another way out of this mess. 

After a moment of careful contemplation, Bernard could think of none and the grammes were looking more inviting than ever. 

“Well,” he thought, “at least I’ll die happy.” 

Laughing mirthlessly at his own joke, he was reaching for the first gramme of soma just as there was a knock on his door. 

“Who is it?” he asked, shoving his soma unceremoniously into the table drawer. 

“It’s me, Helmholtz,” said Helmholtz’s voice from the hallway. “Mind if I come in?” 

“Not at all,” Bernard lied, trying to collect himself within a span of seconds. 

Unaware of Bernard’s plight, Helmholtz walked in and stopped at the sight of Bernard’s deathly pale face. 

“Is everything alright?” the taller man asked, worriedly. “After what happened in the Controller’s study I wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

“I’m fine,” Bernard lied again, hoping desperately that Helmholtz would not question him further. 

“You look ill,” Helmholtz observed. “Are you quite sure that you’re fine?” 

“Quite sure,” Bernard snapped defensively. 

Helmholtz was not deterred. “Bernard-“ 

“I’m sorry,” Bernard said suddenly. “I was just so wrapped up in my problems that I let my own selfishness get in the way of our friendship. I’ve been behaving terribly all day. The way I acted at the hospital and then when I heard talk of an island I just... I can’t go to Iceland. I just can’t. But that’s beside the point. If I’m going to Iceland- If we’re going to Iceland, then what I’d like the most is if you could forgive me because I don’t think I could stand not having you as my friend.” 

“Bernard, I...” Helmholtz wiping away a tear. “Of course I forgive you.” 

He reached out and took Bernard’s hand affectionately. 

“But, we’re not going to Iceland.” 

Bernard’s mouth fell open. “What? But the Controller said-“ 

“We’re going to the Falkland Islands,” Helmholtz announced, happily. “From what I hear, we should find like-minded people there.” 

Bernard marveled at this for a moment. After all of that, he wasn’t going to Iceland. But one island in exchange for another, did it really make that much of a difference? 

“So this is where it ends, hm?” he asked. At Helmholtz’s quizzical look, he continued, “We broke the rules and they send us away from civilization as if we had never been there in the first place. Nothing even mattered.” 

“But it does matter,” Helmholtz said firmly. “It matters for us. Maybe we didn’t change the world, Bernard, but so what? We changed ourselves and now we’re going somewhere where we’ll be free to express ourselves how we see fit. We’ll be free.” 

He squeezed Bernard’s hand at the word “free” and Bernard pondered this statement. 

He would be free and isn’t that what he had wanted all along? To be his own person?

“Helmholtz you do have such a way with words,” Bernard said, smiling at last. “I shall have to apologize to John as well. Where is he?” 

“Still in the Controller’s study when I left him,” Helmholtz replied. “We can visit him together later and make sure he’s alright.” 

Upon agreeing to this plan, Bernard excused himself to the bathroom. 

Helmholtz seated himself on Bernard’s bed while he waited and noticed something out of the ordinary. 

A single gramme of soma was sitting on Bernard’s bedside table. 

That was strange, Helmholtz thought. Surely Bernard hadn’t brought any soma with him. 

By some instinct, he opened the table drawer to find that eleven more grammes had been hastily shoved inside. 

Why would Bernard have so much soma at one time? What on earth would he be planning to do with all of it unless- 

Helmholtz’s heart stopped for a moment as he started down at the cluster of pills. 

There was a click and Bernard exited the bathroom. “Well, Helmholtz I am feeling a good deal better now and-“ 

He stopped mid-sentence as Helmholtz suddenly embraced him in tight hug. 

Bernard reciprocated, confused until he noticed the open drawer. 

“Helmholtz, I can explain! I-“ 

But Helmholtz only hugged him tighter still. 

“Bernard, no matter what happens to us, I want you to know that I will always be your friend and I’ll always be here for you,” he said, quietly but firmly. 

Bernard could feel the tears coming as he hugged his friend back. 

“I’m sorry,” Bernard said. “I should have never doubted your friendship.” 

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Helmholtz replied, kindly. 

After several moments, they broke away their embrace and held each other’s hands. 

“The Controller told me we leave tomorrow for the Falkland Islands,” Helmholtz informed Bernard. 

“Then we must go to John straightaway,” Bernard said. “I have so much I need to tell him before we go.” 

And with that, the two made off towards John’s room, hand-in-hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Just got done reading Brave New World for school and I was inspired to write this. This may be an unpopular opinion but Bernard is my favorite character. Sure he’s nowhere near perfect but that makes him for human to me. Anyway, I hope that everyone enjoyed this little one-shot and thanks to Aldous Huxley for such awesome source material!


End file.
